Boy N is dying

I sometimes have problems letting go.  I finished CPE in April.  I made it my thing to minister to the unchurched in the children's ward.  One of the little boys that I followed all 9 months is dying of an awful form of cancer.  His family is an amazing organism.  From all the folks I met on the ward...the physical abusers, the drug abusers, the unengaged, the overly engaged...these parents have a gift I have rarely seen.  They love life!!!  Every single moment, ugly, beautiful, simple, profound, challenging, awful, they love it and embrace it all, because they have had some deep understanding over the past several months that their 7 year olds life was coming to an end.  They have not had it easy.  I am making a reasonable guess that they live below poverty level from what they have shared.   They are both full of native American blood.  I have heard tales of sadness and loss from both parents that one person should not have to bare, and yet both have borne these losses.  And now the unthinkable. The loss of a beautiful, amazing, child.  All unrealized potential.  And with the words that are haunting his mama.  "I don't want to go without you."

I have pulled out my best resources.  I have shared the story of the dragonfly and the caterpillar.  I have tried to talk about how we are all still together even as we transform into something we dont know or understand...but damn it, that seems so little to offer to this wonderful human being that has suffered so much in her lifetime and is about to suffer something more profound than even I can understand.  She has talked to me about her attendence of a congregational church as a youth and about being uncomfortably fondled as a 12 year old by a pastor in youth group and never returning to a Christian church.  She also talks about knowing as a native American that Jesus appeared to her people and she will find her way to Jesus and has always taught her children about Jesus and God.  Her faith and witness is so powerful juxtaposed with her pain that all I can do is witness it with love and awe and prayer.

They can't afford to bury or cremate N, so the social workers have worked with a local funeral home to do that.  They can't afford a service or urns to claim the ashes and are not churched so have no one to turn to for help.  I will offer to do the service for free and to connect them to a local church to get cremation jewelry to keep N with them always.  Maybe if they ever want or trust that a church could just walk with them where they are at, they may walk in.  I will pray for them for always, I am sure.

Meanwhile, I came home and found much patience for my 11 year old's sassiness.  I know she is in her differentiating phase and needs to find ways that she is her own person and not like mom.  Some days she wants to be Goth and other days she wants to talk about how she feels more like a Buddhist than a Christian.  Today I could only look at her and silently give thanks for her life and whatever it brings....because we are blessed enough to have more years to work it all out than others.

Tomorrow I will stop back at the hospital and see if N has fallen into his deep sleep.   I pray to God for the words and the strength to be his family's servant through this.  Sometimes there are no words.